The Chennai Super Kings came close to losing a high-scoring match yesterday, thanks to some sloppy bowling by Dirk Nannes and an excellent innings by Manvinder Bisla. Fortunately, however, a stunning last over by Chris Morris, that saw him conceding just 4 runs, took the hosts home.

CSK’s top-scorer, the ever-reliable Mr.Cricket, Michael Hussey once again, bagged the man of the match award for his blitzkrieg of 95. What did the post-match discussion on the team’s Facebook wall look like? The Tamil UnReal Times correspondent Vetti Vijayakumar brings you exclusive snapshots:

One of Tamil cinema’s biggest superstars, “Thala” Ajith Kumar, now holds the rare distinction of being the only Tamil hero with a Google doodle to his credit, on his birthday.

The doodle was developed by Google India’s senior creative development head, Raghu.T, also a die-hard Thala fan, on the eve of Thala’s birthday. Throwing more light on the doodle, Raghu said, “It was quite simple actually. I had to just replace each letter with a distinct pic of Thala. The good thing is he’s probably had close to just 5 big, really memorable hits, so each letter links to a rare, hit movie of Thala and the last letter, E, as is evident, contains video links to some of Thala’s races.” 

Samsung S4 endorser and Bollywood actor Ranveer Singh was thrilled to bits today, after receiving a call from dancing legend and viral superstar Sam Anderson, congratulating him on exceeding the latter’s record when it came to ridiculously extraordinary dancing.

Confirming the news, Anderson said, “Aamaa paa. I was blown away on seeing his dance. For a minute, I was sad that someone beat me at my own dance, but then felt happy and congratulated him, because that’s what legends do. Brian Lara and Matthew Hayden called each other up when they exceeded each other’s records, as did Muralitharan and Shane Warne. So, as a sign of appreciation and encouragement, I too, decided to call him up and tell him ‘My Gaad, oww booutiful you are!’ ”

Ranveer too, had no qualms on expressing his excitement and said, “Arre wah yaar! Can you believe it? Sam sir actually called me up and said that my dance was beautiful! Even Anushka hasn’t said it in many years, yaar!” Ranveer has also reportedly received messages of appreciation from other dancing superstars like Captain Vijayakanth, Vijaya T Rajendar and Sunny Deol, to name a few.

However, Ranveer was in for a huge snub when he met Powerstar Dr.Srinivasan. “Dei kuzhandha, poweru thaan da toweru! pesaama ingerndhu navuru,” Power is supposed to have said, to much whistles and howls from people gathered around.

After AR Rahman, Srikanth Deva is in a mood to talk about everything he’s lucky to hold forth. The Tamil UnReal Times interviewer Bharathraj Thangam listens in…

Srikanth Deva seems to like having his picture taken. He’s seated at the middle of a large, yet seemingly small couch in the only office room at his Kodambakkam studio, and the harsh noises bouncing off the walls are torturing up an already frustrating summer evening. But he’s smiling. He’s dressed up for the occasion in a light brown coat and a small bracelet-like golden chain tossed around his neck.

As the photographer locks his camera-phone and puts it into his pocket, I remark to him that he seems quite excited under the circumstances. He says this is rare. He’s not prepared for it. What’s difficult is when hardly anyone pops up with photo requests when he’s at the airport or at an event. He laughs that laugh that hasn’t changed in the nine-plus years we’ve known him, that high-pitched, menacing giggle that suggests a not-so-little boy who’s gotten away with pure luck or a grown man still rubbing his eyes in disbelief, that his every dream has miraculously come true. It’s likely the latter.

He speaks of an early song which drew negative comments about Udit Narayan’s voice from the first few listeners. They said that the way he sang ‘Ennatha Solvenungo’ had sacrilege. But when he played the song to Perarasu, he danced his skin out. He wonders what it is that triggers some people’s energy while the rest of the world is totally cringing to the max. His conclusion: if there’s luck in something, it works.

That’s why, he feels, Silambarasan’s rendition of the ‘Love Anthem for world peace’ went viral. If STR had gone to a T-Series or a Magnasound in any decade, they’d have said any audience in any part of the world wouldn’t like it. He says we all start judging what is right or wrong, and sometimes we can’t think beyond “you won’t be a hit” or “your voice won’t fit.” “We like to box things into slots. We are all inhuman. (That laugh again.) But now, with the Internet and all, it’s opened up even more. It’s like, let people start the trolling.”

Even after the mediocre reputation he’s achieved, what makes him get out of bed to work? What makes him say yes to a project? He says it’s his mortgages and smiles, but lets no howl of laughter. Without any need to collect himself, he says he wants the experience to be over and done soon. When you just do things for the sake of doing your work, it shows. It becomes easy for everyone, even his own team, if he’s allowed to completely shun different distracting directions and given firm limitations.

And the talk finally turns to Parthi Bhaskar’s Arjunan Kadhali, which is no particular reason for this interview. I ask him what those limitations are and he says that the story is set in Tamil Nadu, which is as routine as it can get for him. So automatically his sensibilities have to shut down and make him say “What noise can I do? How can I meander towards something people will, hopefully, someday, accept out of lack of choice?” He talks of the director’s ideas — a bearded Bhaskar, in mustard-yellow pants and a black shirt, is a silent observer in the room’s far corner — he won’t talk about the music, which he feels shouldn’t be spoken about or be heard.

Another film that’s been totally out of the news, starring God-knows-who, is Vincent Selva’s Thulli Vilayadu — its trailer came out, may be the film too. Do new filmmakers, given his stature, feel free to tell him what they really think? Never, he says. Perarasu would accept every tune of his, and that’s just what he wants. That’s what, he says, make his soundtracks what they are, and that’s why no matter who he works with, the same side of him comes out each time.

And yet, there are filmmakers who keep coming back to him — like A Venkatesh, whose Summa Nacchunu Irukku marks the duo’s ninth year of collaboration. Venkatesh, he says, carries no burden, no expectation of having to be successful and needs no convincing, so it’s really relaxing to work with him. He recalls spending less than a minute talking to the filmmaker about ‘Dandanakka Sarakku’, the song from Yei, saying that it would work.

He recalls watching a symphony and falling asleep when it got too indiscernible. He fell asleep again during a small lull in the second half of Oz the Great and Powerful. As a composer, he says, he constantly has to keep thinking about those guys who are not able to discern good music. He was in Kodambakkam some time ago, and he heard someone scream out that they loved ‘Kodambakkam Area’, the Tamil song of gaana genre. This, he says, wouldn’t have happened without the Internet’s inability to penetrate all classes of people.

And we’re back to this era’s freedoms, where people are unfortunately not forced by this channel or that one to listen to specific content. I try to get something about Arjunan Kadhali one last time, when Bhaskar steps in and says that the saddest thing was not getting Yuvan Shankar Raja to score for the album. Last night was when the songs were recorded, and they were mixed at 9.30 in the night, and the mastering engineer left by 9.45 and drinks were ordered. The minutes, too, haven’t changed in these nine-plus years.

Continuing his rivalry with actor Dhanush, STR has kick-started a new song, “Nelam Rasa” (king of the land), which will be set to tunes by Isaignani Illayaraja and sung by music director GV Prakash. The announcement comes a couple of days after the trailer release of Dhanush’s new movie, “Mariyaan,” in which the actor has written a song “Kadal Rasa,” sung by Yuvan Shankar Raja, for AR Rahman.

The news was confirmed by GV, who tweeted “Going to record a rocking song for Isaignani today, guys! It’s gonna be a rocking hit. You guys’ll love it for sure,” before proceeding to retweet hundreds of praises from fans and then heading to Isaignani’s studio to listen to the tune for the first time. The song is Simbhu’s 3262466246th attempt to equal Dhanush, ever since the latter became an international name with the Kolaveri song. Simbhu had earlier tried his luck with videos like the “Love Anthem for world peace” which is rumored to have shattered even the bits of existing peace in areas of the world. Another attempt by name “Will you be my girlfriend? – Teaser” too, unfortunately managed to properly tease the sensibilities of music listeners.

“Cinemavula enakku rival naa Dhanushthaanga. Naan konjam over aave straightforwardunga, enakku nadikka theriyaadhunga,” an emotional Simbhu supposedly admitted, before proceeding to think hard about how to somehow include the words “Manmadhan” and “Vallavan” in the song. Sources also add that T.Rajendar himself is helping Simbhu with the lyrics, with lines like “Naan thaan da Nelam Rasa,
kaatuven da naan mass aa, saapduven da neriya dosa,” and so on.

The Isaignani, however, has appealed to people not to pass whistles or high exclamations at the song online, but just applaud.

Tamil Nadu’s most popular quiz show, Neengalum Vellalaam Oru Kodi, hosted by Prakash Raj, is all set to embrace cutting edge digital technology in its third season by including “Googling for an answer” as a new lifeline. The new search engine option will replace the “Phone a friend” option, which has let down contestants on many occasions in the past.

Confirming the new lifeline was Prakash Raj himself, who tweeted: “NVOK will have ‘Googling’ as a new lifeline! Answer to be searched and told within 10 seconds! It is a real test of search of googling skills – about 7-8 seconds can be used to frame proper search terms, half a second for Google to return the answer and 1 and half seconds for the human reflexes to register the answer and blurt it out. Also, if you’re lucky, Google might give you the answer even as you’re typing!,” before proceeding for a trial run of the lifeline, by ordering, “Genius, Google pannunga!”

The acclaimed actor, however added that Google can’t be relied upon for everything. “Google usually gets things spot on. For example, for a query on ‘Which was the last hit of Top Star Prashanth?’ the search engine simply returned ‘Jeans.’ However, there are some things even Google doesn’t have the answers to: the meanings of the English words in Goutham Menon’s movies, the meanings of some of the words in Madhan Karky’s songs are some such instances,” Prakash added.

Prakash also suggested that there’s a high chance that he would ask a lot of questions about his movie Dhoni, as any attempt to Google details about the movie will mostly return search results about the Indian captain.

However, unconfirmed reports suggest that in the opening episode of Season 3, featuring Superstar Rajinikanth, the computer apparently used up all 4 lifelines and yet, failed to generate challenging questions for the Superstar.

The Indian education system, committed suicide yesterday, after the announcement of 12th standard results in Tamil Nadu. Depression over increasing suicides of students over the general obsession with marks & excellence is said to be the cause of the suicide, as can be inferred from the system’s suicide note.

The Tamil UnReal Times correspondent, Vaidyanathan Ramanujam, brings you a copy of the system’s suicide note:

“Hi everyone,

After hundreds of thousands of years of existence, I’ve finally decided on taking the extreme step. I can’t take it anymore. There are way too many problems and today, when I heard that a girl who has scored a stunning 89% killed herself because of me, I just couldn’t take it anymore. Enough is enough! For long, I’ve tolerated the ridiculousness of cutoffs like 99.5% and 100% in Universities, but this was just too much to handle.

I hold nobody but myself responsible for this act. I’ve spoiled myself and I’ve spoiled many people around me. I’ve allowed people to divide themselves into various classes and enabled them to decide who gets to access me and who doesn’t. I’ve even sold parts of myself for money, every other day, to people who really don’t deserve my love and because of this, those who’ve really worked hard and toiled to win my love, have ended up losing out on it, because people have apparently decided that those students aren’t good enough by the standards of their section. Each section has different standards, it seems and the number of such sections is only increasing. Many say there is further such division happening on the basis of this thing called religion.

There has been a drastic increase in the obsession of folks to top every exam they face and get the highest-paying job, thus making tens of thousands of students covet the same damn thing. Many deserving students are driven to depression and are giving up their life – all because of me!

People say the government has drafted a new fundamental right, which makes it possible for young children to access me for free. But many cells of my body are apparently refusing to allow these children inside, which I have no control over.

Everyone who comes to me wants to enter my brain alone. There are hardly any takers for other physical, sporting, athletic parts such as legs or creative, artistic parts such as hands & mouth. No one is even coming close to my heart or soul. Long, long ago, students would learn more from my heart & soul and less from my brain, enabling them to be morally right, good human beings. But these days, everyone wants to get through to my brain alone. My heart and soul have been completely neglected even by the people who manage me. It seems, as a result of this sole access to my brain and none to my heart & soul, many young male students have become smart, intelligent, rich, successful people, but highly devoid of morality and humanity.

I’ve apparently been likened to a door to an ATM machine. People walk through me with a card, apparently called as a degree, which I’ve handed to them, just to grab some money, that’s all. That seems to fully complete their lives.

My motto earlier was “health is wealth” but it unfortunately seems to have done a Mulayam Singh Yadav now. Wealth alone seems to be health. My management doesn’t seem to want to be doing anything about this at all.

I’ve had enough. How many more innocent students are going to die because of pressure to get to the cranium of my brain? This is it. I’ve decided to take the extreme step. With this, I leave behind an Indian literacy system – one that makes people literate, but not necessarily educated.

Thanks for this life. I’ve been dying since a while, but it looks like nobody has really noticed it. But with this, I officially am going to be.

Hope that someday, the youth of India will open more of my heart and soul to people & less of my brain.
That inflow of people to my heart, might actually revive me & bring me back to life.
Until then,
Goodbye,
The Indian education system.”

Fans of actor-turned-politician and DMDK president Captain Vijayakanth will be storming theaters on June 14th, 2013 to watch the latest Surya-starrer Singam-2.

“Ever since our thalaivar went into politics, we are missing his movies a lot and have to make do with the ones that keep playing on TV channels. Even though his political antics are as entertaining, there’s nothing like a good old Captain movie. After movies like Soodhu Kavvum became hits, we were beginning to lose hope that our kinda movies would soon become extinct, until we saw the teasers of Singam-II. That rekindled our faith! We could clearly see our Thalaivar in Surya,” said Captain Vijayakanth International Fans Association president Vanchinathan Narasimhan.

“The songs too, are just like the ones we see in Captain movies and totally befit the movie! We’re eagerly waiting for it and have been in regular touch with theater owners to issue tickets to us in bulk, so that we storm the first day first show and make it legendary,” he added.

Captain Vijayakanth himself is expected to meet Surya soon and confer him with the “Chinna Captain” sobriquet. “Being a Gap10 is no joge, bud widh bag to bag movies like Maadraan and now Singam 2 ..Surya has bulbilled aal the grideria reguired to begom the nexd Gap10! Aungh,” the actor-turned-politician is supposed to have said.

Hours after BJP Senior Leader Shri LK Advani chose to break free from a potentially detrimental logjam in the BJP and posted a review of Kamal Hassan’s magnum opus, “Vishwaroop” on his blog, Gujarat Chief Minister Narendra Modi too, was seen at a Cyber center in Goa, posting a movie review on his blog, about Superstar Rajinikanth’s epic blockbuster, “Padayappa.” 

The UnReal Times’ Gujarat correspondent, Bekaar Patel, was kind enough to forward a copy of the same to The Tamil UnReal Times:

A remarkable piece of plywood carving on our display at our residence in Gandhinagar is that of Aarupadaiyappa with his lovely bird, blessing the ascendancy of positive, ambitious people in life.

What is even more significant about this carving is the face that the artist, hailing from Tiruvallur (Tamil Nadu) is that the hind side of the carving not only presents several temples of Aarupadaiyappan, but also their various architectures.

A decade or so back, in the media reports, I had seen that a film titled “Padayappa,” directed by KS Ravikumar, starring the outstanding superstar of Tamil Nadu, Rajinikanth had been declared as one of his all-time best movies. Ever since I heard these reports, I had a desire to see the film.

Last week, I had a welcome phone call from Mr.Rajinikanth himself that he would be coming to Goa for the weekend and that on either of the 2 days, he would like me to see his film. On June 8th, therefore, along with Rajnathji, Jaitleyji and many others of the BJP family, I had occasion to see this wonderful film, which I reckon, in both story and more importantly, moral message, is one of the best films I have seen in my life.

The film is a wonderful, realistic and a very relevant thriller at this point, with the legendary Sivaji Ganesan being forced to give away his throne to the greedy Manivannan and then, passing on. The responsibility is now on Padayappa’s (Rajini) shoulders, to successfully work hard and reclaim the lost glory. Manivannan still tries his best to bring the honest, hardworking, Padayappa down and to make matters worse, an evil, venomous lady, Neelambari (Ramya Krishnan), by remote-controlling a man named Suryaprakash (Nasser), wants to make life hell for Padayappa. Finally, however, good sense prevails – Manivannan is ashamed of his acts and hails Rajini, who eventually triumphs over Neelambari.

The next day after the screening of the movie, Rajini came to my room for some roti and subzi. After dinner, I recounted to him an anecdote from a popular English film which I had watched two decades ago, in Gujarat.

A mighty lion, Mufassa, was held in high regard by one and all and was declared as one of the best kings to have ever ruled the jungle. Under him, the jungle saw years of prosperity. Unfortunately, a dangerous situation, resulting in a stampede saw him passing on. His selfish brother, Scar, then took over the jungle and it began to deteriorate. Mufassa’s cub, Simba, on the other hand, was full of remorse. He felt that Mufassa lost due to him and the accident that he caused. However, Simba soon grew up as a powerful lion who had to be back at any cost, to reclaim the jungle and restore its lost glory. A hard battle ensued between Scar and Simba. Scar tried his best to get rid of Simba, but this time, Simba won. The jungle was prosperous again.

Rajinikanth enjoyed my demonstration, and was provoked to ask me : Have you read the Book series “A Game of thrones”? The Book is authored by George R R Martin, American screenwriter, television producer, and author of fantasy, horror, and science fiction.

TAILPIECE

Rajini has sent me the book that he promised. The 864-page book is extremely well written. 

The back cover of this book sums up :

Summers span decades. Winter can last a lifetime. And the struggle for the Iron Throne has begun.

As Warden of the north, Lord Eddard Stark counts it a curse when King Robert bestows on him the office of the Hand. His honor weighs him down at court where a true man does what he will, not what he must … and a dead enemy is a thing of beauty.

The old gods have no power in the south, Stark’s family is split and there is treachery at court. Worse, the vengeance-mad heir of the deposed Dragon King has grown to maturity in exile in the Free Cities. He claims the Iron Throne.

Narendra Modi

June 9th, 2013

Goa

Kollywood’s hotshot music director GV Prakash has lost followers on microblogging site Twitter en masse today, ranging from hundreds to thousands, as the audio of his latest offering, Thalaivaa has released. However, those who have unfollowed the musician claim that their action is only temporary, for a week or so, and they will follow him back after that, until his next audio release or movie release.

Said Karthik, a Tamil music lover, “This is nothing new. I often unfollow GV about 2-3 days before every album of his or movie of his releases, because if I don’t, my timeline will be flooded with thousands of retweets praising the man to the skies, as well as his own tweets about how the album, being such a blockbuster, is the greatest thing to have happened to humanity, since, well, his own previous album. It starts with self-praising tweets about the album days ahead of the audio release, with tweets like ‘Rocking songs await you guys! You’ll love them for sure!’ , ‘So many pre-orders for XYZ songs! Blockbuster hit already!’ up to the D-day itself, where he posts tweets self-certifying the awesomeness and extraordinary success of his album.”

Karthik concedes that there are 2 approaches to dealing with the belligerent tweeting of effusive praise. “Yeah, the simplest approach is to unfollow him for a week, when the songs gradually die down. That doesn’t mean your TL will be free of such tweets though. It’s just that the frequency will reduce. Or, if you want to get some breathing space without unfollowing him, for every score of tweets that he posts or RTs, you can google up an AR Rahman interview and breathe in some much-needed humility. But most people use the former approach as it is more convenient and keeps them grounded. The unfollow time for an audio release is a week, whereas for movie releases, the unfollow can time can be 2-3 days, as usually only one-third of tweets showering praise on a movie praise the background music too,” he adds.

In other news, however, wannabe Twitter celebrities are effectively using this opportunity to promote their blogs, videos and stuff, by just tweeting the links to GV, preceded by a “#Thalaivaa songs are rockinggggggg bro! Sooper!”, thereby being assured of a retweet and a share of publicity.

Former Indian cricket captain Kris Srikkanth is likely to add another feather in his cap, with the ticket sales of his “Arangetram” ceremony touching the skies. The tickets for the first-of-its-kind ceremony, which will happen at the MA Chidambaram stadium, Chepauk, have already been sold out, with many cases of black ticket vending at exorbitant rates being reported.

The ceremony comes in the wake of Srikkanth’s phenomenal stint at reality show Jhalak Dikhlaaja, whose TRP ratings shattered all benchmarks and catapulted itself to the number one spot, following his performance. “Boss, I tell you it is all what dya call ..highly unbelievable boss …I don’t think this many people came to see me play cricket itself,” a thrilled Srikkanth told The Tamil UnReal Times correspondent Anbazhagan Selvarasu, on hearing reports of the feverish ticket sales. Sources say that the event has created such fever that all the top stars of Kollywood have cancelled their prior engagements, some of which even include shooting schedules abroad, to make themselves free for the big day.

Tamil Nadu Chief Minister J. Jayalalithaa and DMK patriarch M.Karunanidhi too, will be seen attending the ceremony and felicitating Srikkanth. Sources say that US President Barack Obama too, has requested the NSA to scan Srikkanth’s Ustream account in order to obtain a special stream of the show. “With the kind of spirit Cheeka thambi is in, you shouldn’t be surprised if he is able to make even Amma and Kalaignar dance on the stage with him, paa,” said former BCCI president N Srinivasan, who has confirmed his attendance, considering himself to be a dance enthusiast.

Srikkanth will be presented by his guru, Sam Anderson, who has apparently upped his confidence already, telling him, “My gaad. Ow beautiful you are!’

One of Tamil Nadu’s most popular restaurant brands, Hotel Saravanaa Bhavan, will now charge its customers for a new service – “wallet vacuum.”

The news has shocked customers, who are terming the move as unjust. However, general manager B Saravana, the brain behind the idea, termed it as only fair. “Come on, paa. It is only fair and just that we do this. In fact, it is us who have been at a loss for so many years now, having not done this. We are one of the very few restaurants in the world that succeeds impeccably when it comes to completely emptying our customers’ wallets, thanks to our prices. People in general, never bother to keep their wallets clean and when we are doing this vacuum service, professionally, in a manner that makes sure that not a speck of anything remains in the wallet, it is only just that we charge customers for it,” he told The Tamil UnReal Times correspondent Anbazhagan Selvarasu.

Talking about the charges for this service, Saravana said, “It depends, paa. If you end up just having your wallet vacuumed, the charge will be 100 Rupees. If you end up getting your wallet and pocket vacuumed, it will be 200 Rupees. The only alternative to skip this charge, is to carry all the cash in your left hand.” The service will come into effect in their branches abroad too, the US being the first of them. “We’re thinking about 3$ for a wallet vacuum and 5$ for a pocket vacuum, though most of them only use credit cards there, to pay. So we’re not sure how it’ll succeed there, but it’s worth giving it a try,” Saravana added.

When asked if this extra money was being extracted to recruit more waiters, Saravana completely denied it. “Not at all, let me tell you, we have never ever recruited waiters. Our set of waiters follows a rotation policy. All our waiters have, in fact, been customers, who have been unable to pay up their bills after eating our delicious meals. So after working for a few days and earning enough salary to clear their dues, they leave. But, by then, the next set of prospective waiters and plate cleaners come in,” he added.

Rumours are rife that national banks such as State Bank of India, Canara Bank etc might soon be launching a “Hotel Saravana Bhavan loan scheme,” which will be provided to the hotel’s customers at reasonable rates of interest.

Times Now editor-in-chief and iconic journalist Arnab Goswami will finally be transitioning into the silver screen. The angry, bespectacled man will be essaying the lead role in the sequel to Telugu star Nagarjuna’s 1997 superhit “Ratchagan” that starred Sushmita Sen.

Arnab Goswami during a screen test for Ratchagan 2

The movie will be directed by Nagarjuna himself, who will be replaying his character Ajay in the sequel.  Sushmita too, will be seen essaying her character Sonia. “Arnab plays our son in the movie. Producer KT Kunjumon and I would often dabble over the idea of a sequel, but we felt that I was too old to play an angry young man all over again, even though I can still be a youth icon, if one goes by Rahul Gandhi standards. We were disappointed as none of the contemporary heroes could fit a character like Ajay. But we finally found our man in Arnab. We couldn’t think of anyone more befitting. He was just the perfect choice,” said Nagarjuna.

Arnab, who immediately gave his nod to the project, is supposed to have said, “WHY NOT! THE NATION WOULD LOVE IT!” . “We did a screen test and he was brilliant. The best part is, unlike Ratchagan, we didn’t have to create graphics of veins popping out, as it happened to Arnab naturally,” a thrilled Nagarjuna exclaimed.

The film’s music will be taken care of by Academy award winner AR Rahman, who had earlier scored chartbusters for Ratchagan. The sequel’s album promises to be even bigger, with Arnab himself reportedly crooning a number titled “The nation demands an answer.”

“I used to pride myself on my pitch and the extent to which my voice could go. But on seeing Arnab go much higher, not anymore,” Rahman is supposed to have said.

The Hollywood movie “Gravity” has charmed audiences all over the world with its unique visual effects and setting. The movie bears a stamp of class direction all over it, well augmented with stellar performances from the lead pair.

How would the movie be if it were to be directed by Kollywood’s leading directors? The Tamil UnReal Times correspondent Mani Verithnam brings you the stories:

Mani Ratnam
The movie would be titled “VinveLi”, starring Arvind Swamy, Manisha Koirala & Madhavan as the 3 astronauts sent up in Spaceship Explorer. The movie’s story would be closely guarded until release, with no Indian being permitted to take any space expedition while the movie is being shot in space.  Satellites too, would be banned from orbiting towards the shooting spot. The movie would be 150 minutes long instead of 90, mainly due to the long pauses between every sentence spoken by the lead pair. There will be no panic or screams even when the debris flies. Just monosyllables from the heroine, like “parandhukitturku………..mela patta…………setthuduvom,” with the hero holding her headcase, saying “Saagalaam……sniff…….onna saagalaam” with tears flowing down both their cheeks, accompanied by a phenomenal background music by AR Rahman, high on strings, followed by a humming in his own, divine voice.

Shankar
The movie will be titled “VinveLiyan – the astronaut”, aptly ending with an “an” like all Shankar movies. It will star Superstar Rajnikanth, Aishwarya Rai & Sathyaraj. The movie will be based on a budget of 1500 Crore and will be one of the most expensive films in the world. One song will create a Guinness record for being the first song in the world to be shot on all planets in the solar system. There’ll be another song shot on the moon, with an entourage of a thousand dancers, dressed as aliens. Madhan Karky’s lyrics will have catchy phrases like “Asteroidile Astronautgalin Kadhal” and some new Tamil words relating to astronomy. The intro song, “VinveLiyin Veeran, Engal Tamizhkaaran” will be another class song by Vairamuthu, extolling the superstar to stellar heights, aptly rendered by SP Balasubramaniam to the mighty tune of AR Rahman. The movie will have Sathyaraj as the rival, villain astronaut, who will damage the spaceship and bribe the astronauts at other space stations to bomb all the asteroids the duo goes to, but an accident leads to debris heading towards the earth, which could destroy the planet. Superstar Rajinikanth saves the planet and the movie will end with a social message on why corruption and human greed are detrimental to life.

T Rajendar
The movie, “VinveLisaamy” will open with aliens hijacking the spaceship, and harassing Astronaut Mumtaj, when suddenly TR comes flying in, knocking the shit out of the aliens and then saying,
“Yey yey yey, indha edathula illa gravity,
irundhaalum en adi naala un pallula theriyudhu cavity!
Dandanakka Danakkunakka!”

The astronauts would have come to space, mainly because TR’s thangachee would’ve wanted to float in space. TR would simply not refuse anything his Thangachee desired. TR didn’t want Mumtaj to come along, but once Thangachee insisted, she was also on board. Mumtaj will have dream sequences with TR and her walking on the moon, with TR telling kadhal kavidhais like

“Idho paaru nilai,
nilayil vazhigiradhu kadhalin alai
Indha kadhal enbathu oru kalai”

Songs tuned, written and sung by TR himself will come in at various situations.
The movie will have Thangachee firing at an asteroid carelessly, thus causing debris to come towards the spaceship. One thing leads to another, which causes a situation where only 2 astronauts can survive. TR gives up his life so that Thangachee can live, and in a mighty expression of true love, Mumtaj also jumps after him. Thangachee goes back to earth alone.

The movie will have promotional videos of TR making the sounds of a rocket, and the sound of footsteps taken with low gravity, all with his mouth.

KS Ravikumar
The movie will be a comedy adventure starring Kamal Hassan and Asin on board spaceship Explorer. The dialogues will be written by Crazy Mohan. For example, when Explorer is destroyed, Asin points to it, cries and tells Kamal, “Adho paarungo, Explorer!”. Kamal, without looking, replies “Un ex poraar naa naan enna ma pannanum?” etc. Kamal Hassan will speak to Houston officials in an accent more American than that of NASA officials. KS Ravikumar will make a special appearance with a dance in one of the songs. The movie will end with Asin saying, “Kadavul naala thaan namba pozhachom!” and Kamal retorting “Kadavul irundhurndhar naa namba yen ippdi maatikitturndhurpom?” and the ensuing of an argument.

Rajesh
The movie will star Jeeva as the sidekick, Santhanam as the hero and Hansika as the sidekick’s pair. There will be lot of “Macha..indha ponnunga astronaunts eh ippdi thaan da” dialogues. There will be a scene in which over “quarters,” Jeeva and Santhanam talk.

Santhanam:
Macha, adhu Suriyan…adhavdhu naan, idhu Nila..adhavadhu Meera (Hansika). Adho namma bhoomi vandhu nee. Macha, un vaazhkey ovvoru varshamum enna suttthiye nadakkudhu. Aanaa, indha kadhal vandhudhu nu vechukkayen, adhu oru Suriya grahanam maadiri.

Macha, Ippo oru grahanam nadakkudhu naa, enna aagum?

Jeeva:
Bhoomikkum suriyanukkum naduvula Nila varum, Nila Suriyana maraikkum.

Santhanam:
That is the lyffffff!

The movie will reach its end with the story completely vanishing and with Arya making a guest appearance in the end, standing next to Santhanam and saying “Nanben da!”

Vikraman
The story will star Vijayakanth in a double role as father and son, with Meena playing the son’s love interest and Manorama playing his mother. The spaceship will have the colours of the DMDK, as will Vijayakanth’s astronaut suit. 70% of the movie will be in English, with Vijayakanth mouthing dialogues like, “Houzdon, I yaav bad beeling about this missun,” “Ippo, naanga pogavendiya edam Indernasonal bace stason,” “Houzdon, yeverthing in awar condrol. Yeny other inpermason we will pass to you!”

When Meena drifts away from range, Captain will say, “I don’t know where are you. I don’t know how are you. But I will pind you!”. In the scene where he is able to catch the frequency of a Chinese radio with dogs barking, he will respond equally with “AUNGHHHH!”

Meanwhile, it is revealed that the accident on the spaceship was caused deliberately by the villain Anandraj who had secretly sneaked in and whose men on earth are now in possession of Vijayakanth’s parents. He would’ve done this to take revenge on Vijayakanth’s father, who had humiliated his family in some village dispute. A tearful father Vijayakanth tells the son to fight and save the world. Anandraj has both of them killed, while he has Vijayakanth and Meena tied up. A sad song, tuned by SA Rajkumar plays, with Captain and Meena bursting into tears. An accidental fire in the ISS burns Vijayakanth’s ropes. He now goes after Anandraj, who runs away. Anandraj blows up other stations, thus causing debris to fly towards Vijayakanth. But Vijayakanth fights the debris and pushes them away with his bare hands. In the climax, Vijayakanth gets out of his suit, holds his breath for 5 minutes and fights Anandraj, saying, “Aye! Naan padavikko perukko inga varala da. Tamizh naatu eleigala vinveLikku kootikittu vara vazhi aa kandupidikka vandhen da!” before unleashing his wrath on him. The movie will also have punch-dialogues like “Aye! gravity enna gudhikkavekkaadhu da! Naan gravity aa gudhikkaveppen da“, wherein Captain will exert himself on the planet he is in and the planet will deflect a few inches due to Captain’s gravity. After killing Anandraj in outer space, Captain will light a match-stick and set Anandraj on fire (Yes, even in outer space.) He will then get back into his suit and release his breath and return to Tamil Nadu.

Goutham Menon
The movie will star Surya and Jyothika as astronauts, accompanied by Daniel Balaji who plays the alien villain. The movie will have a strong Tamil title, “VinveLiyil Tamizhargal” but 95% of the movie will be in English. After a lot of English conversation about space, heavenly bodies and life in general, Surya and Jo will return to the Explorer, when Surya will say, “I wanna make love to you.” Just then the debris smashes the Explorer and Jo drifts away and is captured by alien Daniel Balaji. Surya spends the whole 2nd half trying to fight Daniel and succeeds, only to discover that Jo has been killed.

Jayam Raja
The movie would be a remake of some other Hollywood space-based movie and will star Jayam Ravi.

(Continued in Part 2)

With millions worldwide getting their hands on the newly launched multi-platform BBM app and flooding social media with their BBM pins, Namma Tamil celebrities couldn’t be far behind. The Tamil UnReal Times BBM enthusiast Karuppu Berryappan exclusively brings you the special 9 character BBM pins of some of them:

With millions worldwide getting their hands on the newly launched multi-platform BBM app and flooding social media with their BBM pins, Namma Tamil celebrities couldn’t be far behind. The Tamil UnReal Times BBM enthusiast Karuppu Berryappan exclusively brings you the special 9 character BBM pins of some of them:

(Continued from Part 1)

Tamil Nadu Chief Minister Selvi J.Jayalalithaa flagged off the trial run of the Chennai Metro Rail yesterday, which began at Koyambedu. How would the flagging-off ceremony have been, had Vijaya T.Rajendar done the honours? The Tamil UnReal Times correspondent Vallavan Veerasamy brings you the transcript of TR’s inauguration speech:

அனைவருக்கும் வணக்கம்!

யே யே யே!
வந்துவிட்டது சென்னையில் மெட்ரோ!
இது MRTSசை ஆகிவிட்டது ரெட்ரோ!
இனி எவனுமே ஓட்டமாட்டான்டா ஸான்றோ!
எப்புடி இருக்கு இந்த இன்றோ?
டண்டனக்கா டனக்குனக்கா!

(Pushes his hair back)

1980யில் நான் வந்து “ஒரு தலை ராகம்” என்ற படத்தை எடுத்தேன் சார். அந்த படத்தை எடுக்கும்போது trainனில் தான் அடிக்கடி போனேன் சார். அப்போவே நான் அந்த trainனோடு தாளம், அந்த ராகம் .. எல்லாமே ரொம்ப ரசிச்சேன் சார்.

(Snaps his fingers and hums in full flow) சக சக சக சக சக சக சக சக!

(bellows) கூ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! கூ கூ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Snaps his fingers and hums in full flow) சக சக சக சக சக சக சக சக!

(Stops due to loud clapping from audience)

(Pushes his hair back, again)

“விண்ணைத்தாண்டி வருவாயா” என்ற படத்தில் என் மகன் சிலம்பு நடிச்சான். அந்த படம் செம்ம ஹிட் சார்! அதுல “ஓ மனப் பெண்ணே” என்ற பாடலை என் நண்பர், ஒரு காலத்தில் எனக்கு கி-போர்டு வாசிச்ச ஏ.ஆர்.ரஹ்மான் தான் இசை அமைத்திருக்கிறார். அந்த பாடலை ஒரு trainனில் தான் சூட் பன்னிருக்கிறார் அந்த படத்தின் இயக்குனர். அந்த பாடல் கொஞ்சம் ஸ்லோவான பாடல் தான். இருந்தாலும் அந்த பிட்டு சார்!

(Snaps his fingers and hums in full flow)

சக சுகு சக சுகு சக சுகு சக சுகு
ஓ மனப் பெண்ணே, ஓ மனப் பெண்ணே, ஓ மனப் பெண்ணே,
ஓ மனப் பெண்ணே ஓ மன, ஓ
சக சுகு சக சுகு சக சுகு சக சுகு
சக சுகு சக சுகு சக சுகு சக சுகு

(Perceives loud applause from audience as encouragement and continues)

ஆனா, இந்த காலத்தின் மெட்ரோ -
டடக் டடக்,
டடக் டடக்,
டடக் டடக்,
டடக் டடக்,
(bellows) பே !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
டடக் டடக்,
டடக் டடக்,
டடக் டடக்,
டடக் டடக்,

அப்படி தான் சார் இந்த காலத்தின் மெட்ரோ ஓடுகிறது. (Pauses for couple of seconds, after which the audience start clapping in realization)

(Pushes his hair back, again)
வாழ்கை போல தான் சார் இந்த மெட்ரோ! நேர போனா எந்த விதமான த்ரில்லும் இருக்காது சார்!

மெட்ரோ வளையனும்!
நிக்கறவங்க அசையணும்!
அது தான் சார் பயணம்!

அனைவருக்கும் இந்த மெட்ரோவில் சந்தோசமான பயணத்தை வேண்டிகொள்கிறேன்! நன்றி! வணக்கம்!

West Indian cricketer Veerasammy Permaul now holds the unique distinction of being the only cricketer from his country to have a temple built in his honour. Permaul, who is yet to show exemplary abilities as a cricketer at the international level, has already become a sensation among the Vaadhiyaar community in Madurai. Permaul enjoys a cult status, superseding fellow cricketer and West Indian captain Darren Sammy’s popularity in India’s temple town.

The Vaadhiyar community has decide to translate this love, affection and devotion into actions, by setting funds aside for a huge, modern, state-of-the-art temple, centred around a life-size statue of Permaul. The temple will also be adorned with small idols of Darren Sammy, Shivnarine Chanderpaul, Sunil Narine and Narsingh Deonarine in the corridors. Permaul is supposed to have been very touched with the honor. “Big up ta these vaadiyaars, maan! Bless up,” Permaul is supposed to have exclaimed.

Head of the Vaadhiyar community, Ambi Narayanan, was quoted saying, “We never ever miss any match of our Permaul, paa. Before every match of his, we bathe, perform Sandhyavandhanam and fast. We break our fast only when he starts bowling. The moment he comes into the attack, we tap our cheeks, cross-tap and chant, ‘PERMAULE’. When he takes a wicket, we do a mass namaskaram.”

The temple will be inaugurated by Chief Minister J.Jayalalithaa. Giant posters of the Puratchi Thalaivi are already being designed for the event, with Permaul’s face inset in the top right hand corners of the posters. BJP leader Dr. Subramanian Swamy has heartily welcomed the move and has offered to try and legally obtain voting rights too, for Permaul, pleased at his Hindu ancestry.

Unconfirmed reports also suggest that the community has ordered the design of a lot of banners that would read “Cricket is our religion and Permaul is our God.”

Hotshot Kollywood director Hari, the uncrowned king of mass masala entertainers, has expressed disappointment at the recent Supreme Court ruling that mandated that red beacons on vehicles be used only by dignitaries holding constitutional posts.

“Many of my films have had the villain politician go around the city with his entourage of 20-30 cars, all flashing their red beacons with blaring sirens. I used to show the arrival of the vehicles with super-fast camera movements and a pulsating BGM accompanied by the noise of the siren, with one special, dedicated frame where the camera focuses on the revolving red light. Hereafter, if I want to continue with such a scene, I’ll have to make the villain a dignitary holding a constitutional post and not a local politician,” said the director of superhit commercial pot boilers like Saamy, Singam and Singam 2.

“I always care about logic in all my films, except the fight scenes, where the goons fly in all directions defying gravity, due to the hero’s punches and kicks. Also, the only other logical lapse in Singam 2 was that Suriya hadn’t lost his speech even after roaring every second, but considering that Arnab Goswami still hasn’t had any throat ailment even after so many years, I guess it is plausible after all,” Hari added.

However, all was not lost as Hari saw a ray of hope. “On the positive side, I can use this as Suriya’s intro scene in Singam 3. The villain can be a local politician who flouts the rules by continuing with the red beacons, when Duraisingam comes in his way, books him for the offence and then yells – YEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII !!!!!!!!! HOW DARE YOU VIOLATE THE RULE OF THE HONOURABLE SUPREME COURT OF THE INDHIYAAA?!” thundered the animated director.

Pained by constant criticism, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh and Congress Vice-President Rahul Gandhi arrived here in Chennai to cool off by participating in a special episode of Vijay TV’s “Adhu Idhu Edhu”, which witnessed the return of Sivakarthikeyan to the show in order to host this special episode.

The Tamil UnReal Times correspondent James Pandu brings you the transcript of the show:

Sivakarthikeyan: Hello and welcome to Hindware Italian Collection vazhangum Adhu Idhu Edhu. Indreya Nigazhchiyil panguperubhavargal Pradhamar Thiru Manmohan Singh avargal mattrum Thiru Rahul Gandhi avargal!

(A huge round of applause as Rahul Gandhi and Manmohan Singh walk in. Manmohan Singh folds his hands in a “namaste” position and walks to his seat as Rahul Gandhi waves to the crowd so vigorously that a ring falls off his fingers, which Mani Shankar Aiyar promptly bends down to pick up and place back on Rahul’s finger)

Sivakarthikeyan: Vanakkam thalaivargale! Indreya mudhal suttru – Group la Doopu. Ippo unga munnadi varaporadhu patthu aadugaL!

( A herd of sheep walk in, with loud bleats of “Mehehehehehehe” – 9 of them in white and 1 in black )

Sivakarthikeyan: Buzzer-ai yaaru modhala amutharaangalo, avanga thaan indha group la doopu yaaru enbathai sollanum!

(An excited Sivakarthikeyan’s expression freezes into shock as Dr.Manmohan Singh sits calm and still, whereas Rahul Gandhi is seen rubbing his chin, thinking of an answer)

Sivakarthikeyan: Ada paavingala! Seringa, Rahul ayya, neengale sollunga!

Rahul: Siva, it’s not important who is the dupe in this group. The real issue is, how is the group being chosen? Are the common sheep being involved here? Female sheep need to be empowered! The RTI is a game-changer – it can be used to find out where these sheep came from.We need to transform the system!

Sivakarthikeyan (removing his hands, that covered his face): Seringa, Pradhamar ayya, neengale sollunga! Indha group la dupe yaaru?

Dr.Singh: I have been seized of the matter that there is a dupe in the group. I condemn this in the strongest terms and would like to say that if we all work hard, we can bring the dupe to book at the earliest.

Sivakarthikeyan (stunned for 5 seconds, then speaks): Okay, mudhal suttrula yaarume jaikala. Ippo namma irandaavathu suttrai vilayaaduvom – “Siricha Pochu” !! Idhu Ippo unga munnadi namma play panna pora scene – paarunga!

(As the lights go off, a giant TV screen unfurls and the footage of Karagaattakaaran begins playing. Goundamani is seen asking Sendhil to buy 2 bananas.)

Goundmani: Onnu indha irukku, unnonu enga?

Sendhil: Adhu thaan anne idhu.

Goundamani: ADEIIIIIIIII !!

Rahul Gandhi (holds his stomach and bursts into laughter): Hahahahahaha!

Sivakarthikeyan: Hehehe! Rahul Gandhi 20 seconds-kullaye sirithuvittaargal! Pradhamar aiyya sirippaara illiya enbathai paarpom!

(The footage continues. Goundamani repeatedly asks Sendhil for the 2nd banana. The crowd grows hysterical with laughter as Kovai Sarala joins Goundamani in questioning Sendhil. The laughter, however, weans away into pin-drop silence, as all eyes turn towards Dr.Manmohan Singh – Dr.Singh is seen sitting still like a statue, with remarkable calm, not batting an eyelid and looking right into the eyes of Goundamani and Sendhil on the TV screen. As Goundamani is seen asking Sendhil one last time, about the second banana, Sivakarthikeyan is seen keeping his face very close to Dr.Singh’s and looking towards him from Dr.Singh’s left. In utter shock, he slowly turns towards the screen, with eyes bloated and mouth wide open, even as Dr.Singh right next to him, continues unabashed and sits like a piece of wood, even with Goundamani seen screaming “ADEIIIIII” and chasing Sendhil down the street. The audience gets up and gives a standing ovation, as Sivakarthikeyan informs Dr.Singh that he has won the round. Dr.Singh offers a hint of a smile, raises his thumb towards the audience)

Dr.Singh: Theek hai!

Sivakarthikeyan (going back to the arena): Okay! Irandaavadhu suttrai jaithavar Pradhamar Thiru Manmohan Singh avargal! Moondravadhu suttru – Maathi Yosi. Indha suttrai modhala vilayadaporavar Pradhamar Thiru Manmohan Singh avargal!

(Dr.Manmohan Singh walks to the arena, as Sivakarthikeyan is all set to question him. Siva sets the timer for a minute.)

Sivakarthikeyan: Pradhamar ayya, your time starts now! Eppdi irukkenga?

Dr.Manmohan Singh (stands still for 5 seconds, before a bell rings)

Sivakarthikeyan: Sorry, Pradhamar ayya, 5 secondukkulla neenga badhil sollala, so indha suttra ungalaala jeika mudiyaadhu! Adutthu, Maathi Yosi vilayaadapordhu, Thiru Rahul Gandhi avargal!

(A charged-up Rahul waves to the audience vigorously, as his ring falls down again. Mani Shankar Aiyar duly arrives to pick it up and put it back in his finger. Rahul rolls his sleeves and stands in front of Siva. Siva sets the timer)

Siva: Your time starts now! Neenga indha varsham Pradhamar aavengala?

Rahul Gandhi: RTI is a game-changer, Siva!

Siva: RTI na enna?

Rahul Gandhi: The system needs to be opened to the common people!

Siva: Endha system?

Rahul Gandhi: Women need to be empowered!

Siva: Adha eppdi pannuvenga?

Rahul: Rahul Gandhi has seen tremendous energy in the youth of this country. It is his wish to involve more and more youth!

Siva: Eppdi involve pannunvenga?

Rahul: Rahul Gandhi’s main purpose is to open up the system and modify its structure – everyone needs to be involved.

Siva: Endha structure aa patthi pesarenga?

Rahul: Women are the backbone of this country.

Siva: Endha country?

Rahul: Rahul Gandhi wants to make India the number 1 manufacturing destination, even better than China!

Siva: China va?

Rahul: I have passed the RTI, I have passed the Lokpal

(A loud ting sound is heard as one minute lapses. The crowd is stunned in amazement, even as Siva stares open-mouthed in awe. Suddenly, Mani Shankar Aiyar arises and claps slowly, while wiping away his tears of joy. A hundred other claps follow as a thunderous applause reverberates across the studio. Siva bows and withdraws in front of Gandhi, as the latter waves vigorously to the crowd again. His ring falls down. He rolls his sleeves, while Mani Shankar Aiyar bends down to pick it up)

Siva: Idhoda namma moondravadhu suttru mudindhuvittadhu! Indha suttrai Rahul ayya jaithuvittaargal!

(Crowd applauds)

Siva: Indha nigazhchiyil irandu perum oru suttrai jaichurkenga! So, it’s a tie! Neenga rendu perum winners!

(Dr.Manmohan Singh hands over his trophy to Rahul Gandhi, takes the microphone for the first time in the show.)

Dr.Singh: I owe my success to Shri Rahul Gandhi and would love to serve under his leadership!

Fade out.